


On His Majesty's Public Service

by Ononymous



Series: Undertale Anniversary Requests 2020 [5]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, James Bond References, Pre-Undertale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27308461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: Monsters have always reflected humanity in one way or another, either as a subconscious manifestation of the anthropocentric psyche, or they just watch the same soap operas. And like humans, some monsters can get a bit overenthusiastic about it. But most find constructive outlets for their passions. Like serving King and Country. No way that can go wrong, right?And no, it's not Papryus.
Series: Undertale Anniversary Requests 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924747
Kudos: 3





	On His Majesty's Public Service

**Author's Note:**

> Rest in peace, Sean Connery.

Undyne's bedroom was brighter than the rest of her house, which was already using pastels. A painter would have argued about which exact name to call the shade, but a layman would just cut through the quarrel and declare it white. White floors, white walls, white ceiling. And unlike her front room, no windows. Little point looking out onto bare uncarved rock.

It was perfect.

An hour had been spent shoving the bed to one side. And the wardrobe. And the TV and small stack of DVDs she'd been watching at a rate of one per night. The floor was bare. And dusty, she really should have vacuumed. So she did. And folded her laundry as well. At last though, she was ready.

A non-existent person watched through a tube stuck to the wall. Beyond the tube there was only white. Then Undyne sauntered into view, looking rather different than usual, the way she dressed. Without warning she spun round and a soft ' _Pew!_ ' could be heard. The non-existent person's perspective slowly tinted red, sauce from the tomato she'd stuck to the tube.

"Ohh yesh. Ah'm reddy."

* * *

It was a quiet day at Alphys' lab. No major experiments scheduled, no appointments, even the residents beneath the tiled floor weren't kicking up a fuss. She was spending her time going over the automated transcription of her journal entries, manually correcting any errors. When she first set this system up, her stutter had meant these corrections were a daunting task, but the program had gradually compensated, much to her relief. It could almost be done without a second though, and yet she was so busy she barely heard the door open.

"Hullo, gorjush."

Alphys looked to her left and nearly fell off her chair. Undyne was sitting on the desk, having snuck up on her with barely a noise. Her outfit was not her casual vest or her formal armour. Instead it was a suit, cut for her lean but imposing figure, with a tie the same colour as her hair.

"C-captain Undyne!"

"Ah believe ye mean Agent Arr Gee Shingle-Oh Sheven," said Undyne, "an' ah haf an appointment wi' A."

"A... Asgore?"

"Aye. Should ah go on up tae him, or kin we haf a drink furst?"

Alphys couldn't stop blinking. "Is this th-those spy movies you told me about?"

"Itsh shervice fer King an' cawntry, Mish Alfish. Now can ah shee him?"

"H-how should I know? Yes, I guess?"

"A'ight. If'n ah get beck, meet me a' Grillbysh fer some... quiet time."

Undyne swaggered out of the lab the way she game, given that's where the elevator was. Alphys just shook her head.

"H-honestly, Papyrus can be a b-bad influence on her..."

* * *

There wasn't really a door to knock. The throne room wasn't designed like that. The sound of Undyne's rapping of the stone frame didn't carry nearly as well as knocking on wood did, so it was no surprise the horned figure beyond didn't look up from his gardening. No matter.

"Agent Arr Gee Shingle Oh-Sheven, reporting as ashked, yer Maj," called Undyne.

Asgore didn't turn around immediately, but he definitely stopped what he was doing. Undyne watched him shake his head a little before finally turning to greet her.

"Oh, it's you, Captain," he said, turning a little perplexed. "Are you alright?"

"Fit fer shervish, shur. Took a bit of a tumble with Jerrymanga, but the bugger jusht picked his noash an' walked away."

"Oh, that's... good? I think?" His smile grew, better to hide his confusion. "Would you like a drink?"

"Tea onna rocks, stirred well."

"Well I don't have rocks, but tea I've plenty of!" he chuckled. Soon she had her cup and saucer, and Asgore watched her dip a biscuit into it with an intensely polished air of disinterest. "Now I did call you up here, Captain," he said, "because there's something I need you to do."

"Anythin'."

"I'm running out of milk. I know the other guards are on patrol, so I'm afraid I need to ask you to get some more from Snowdin. I find most guests prefer that to Hotland milk."

"Ah shee." Fumbling inside her jacket, Undyne took out a piece of chalk and wedged it in her razor teeth. "An' what'sh the shtakes should ah fail?"

"Well, anyone who needs to see me won't be able to enjoy their tea. Unless they like it black, I suppose."

"Ah, a perilush shenario, shur. Conshider it dun."

"Splendid, Captain. Oh, and if you get lost, I'm sure Doctor Alphys can give you directions."

* * *

"What p-part of 'take the boat to S-Snowdin' don't you understand?"

Undyne took chalk out from her mouth, pocketed it, and put a fresh piece in. "The part where ye didnae gear me up with the gadgetsh ah might need."

"What could you p-p-possibly need for a shopping trip?!"

"Hoo knowsh what dangersh are aboot, dawctor. Poor shoulsh believin' they sherve their cause when'n reality they're obshtructin' the will of the King."

Alphys pinched the yellow scales between her eyes, and knew arguing would be pointless. She rummaged around in her desk and pulled out a wristwatch.

"This watch can synchronise with y-your phone, allowing for more surreptitious communication than holding a black brick allows. Happy?"

Undyne accidentally bit the chalk in half with her grin. "Thanksh, Doc!"

* * *

One by one the playing cards found their correct position, and the one arranging them hadn't cheated at all. More than once. She had time for this, however. Snowdin Store was quiet. Was. Past tense. _BANG!_

The well groomed fish tried desperately not to shiver from the cold as she casually walked up to the counter and lay her elbow on it.

"Can I get you somethin' hun?" asked the shopkeeper.

"Aye, Mishy. Milk. Two pershent."

"How many?"

"Shicksh or sheven."

Unimpressed, the bunny walked from behind the counter, picked up seven bottles of milk from the self-service row, returned to the counter and took her sweet time ringing them up.

"Fifteen gold, hun."

"Keep tha change," said Undyne, giving her exactly fifteen coins. Then she picked up five cards from the pile. "Of coursh, ye could double or nothin' if ye want te raish the stakes."

The bunny's ears weren't quite sure how to express that. "What stakes?"

"The shtakesh," said Undyne, catching her earlier mis-mispronunciation. "Nothin' wrong with a wee bit o' camaraderie o'er a game of chansh, ish 'ere?"

"But I wasn't playing-"

Five more coins landed on the counter. "Call or fold, mishy."

Annoyed at the game of solitaire now ruined, the bunny took five of Undyne's coins and added them to what she assumed were the pot. "Call, then."

Undyne showed her hand. "Beat tha'."

Her opponent looked at the five different cards, none higher than an eight, then grabbed another five from the pile. "Pair of threes."

Undyne's eye widened as she grinned in graceful defeat. "Ye've got Lady Fortuna'sh ear today." A third piece of chalk took residence in that grin. "Nao, are thingsh quiet round here?"

"Excuse me?"

"Ya herd meh. Anythin' weird happenin'?"

She started gathering all the cards and money up. "Yup, you."

Undyne's eye glared at her. "Not a shmart thing te do, mouthin; off attan agent of his Maj. Ya might wanna try that agin."

"Well," said the bunny, utterly unphased, "there was a power cut the other day."

"A power cut? Intereshtin'..." she suddenly slammed her hand on the desk. "It must be BlowMet!"

"Who?"

"Tha mechanical mashtermind! He ushesh elektrik shtuff, e' musht be shiphonin' it away for his doomshday device!"

"...were you at Grillby's earlier-?"

The door suddenly opened. "OH, HELLO UNDYNE- ACK!"

Papyrus found himself pinned to the wall, in a chokehold that posed no immediate danger to his life.

"Oddjaw! I should've ken ye'd be tryin't to take me out! Jusht sho BlowMet kin deprive hard workin' shubjectsh of the King of their creature comfortsh!"

"BLOWMET? YOU MEAN METTATON?" Papyrus spoke freely, a lack of air not being any detriment. "WHY WOULD HE DISRUPT POWER IN THE UNDERGROUND, UNDYNE? TELEVISIONS NEED POWER TO RUN, AND HE WANTS HIS SHOW TO RUN, DOESN'T HE?"

The entirely not-at-all-secret agent thought about this, then let him go. "Sho whysh tha power failin'?"

"I COULDN'T TELL YOU. MAYBE DOCTOR ALPHYS COULD?"

Undyne slammed her fist into her open palm. It all clicked.

* * *

Alphys was not having a good day.

"This h-h-h-has gone too far!"

"Shut yer gob, ya mad shientisht" Undyne had her finger pointed at Alphys, tiny spear poking out of it.

"You're t-taking this too far! The wire infrastructure f-f-from the Core needed maitnenance, I t-told you this last night!"

"Shilensh! We'll shee what the King hash ta shay."

Emerging from the tidal wave of vexation and fear she was wrapped up in, a brainwave struck Alphys to put an end to this. "Very clever, Agent RG07. But you've m-made one fatal mistake."

The spear threatened to poke a hole in Alphys' lab coat. "An' whatsh that?"

"You're w-wearing an eyepatch. Only bad guys wear eyepatches in a spy movie!"

The spear fell from Undyne's finger to the floor as she stepped back in shock.

"Shunuva- NnnnnnnnnnnnNNGAHHH!!!" She punched a wall, causing a crack, and popping four buttons on her shirt in the process. "I was doing so well, serving the realm and thwarting evil schemes when I was a secret double agent the whole time!"

"Um, I'm not sure h-how secret you can be-"

"Now I've got to start all over again!" She pointed to her patch. "Hey Doc, if I paint this yellow and add a little pupil will that count?"

"C-captain Undyne," said Alphys, desperate to steer the conversation away form this, "m-maybe your time would be better spent... um... studying humans?"

"Humans?" Undyne winked. "How do I do that? Read a book?"

"If you want. But as it t-turns out, I have an extensive collection of video recordings of human action. L-like those movies you watched, but they're real!" Probably.

"Real human combat?" Undyne's grin grew wider. "Hell yeah, Doc! These videos got a category name, just so I can explain to Asgore?"

"Oh y-yes... Anime..."

**Author's Note:**

> Original Suggestion: what about Undyne getting hooked up on James Bond films, adopting that Queen's top agent sly & smug attitude and getting on everyone's nerves with Sean Connery impersonation?
> 
> Pastebin version: https://pastebin.com/5KBQT38f
> 
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
